which is d funnyest

"Akpos The Comedian WHO IS D FUNNIEST? 1)a man who pulled his slippers to enter taxi. 2)a man who stole d wall clock in a church building, nd said bcus Gods tym is d best. 3)a gal who saw red blood stain on her pant, n said who praticed fine art on my pant. 4)A guy who traveled frm warri to brasil on foot to charge his phone. 5)a woman who saw her husband right in bed wit a gal n asked "honey is dis our new nanny"? 6)a gal who put dettol in her bf's tea n said if i dnt take care of him, WHO WILL? 7)a governor who mess in a conference meeting n said 'una knw say mess nor get toilel na'. 8)a man who put his radio in d fridge n says he want to listen to cool music. 9)a guy who mistakly touch his shit when wiping his yanch in d bush, n said thank God say i no match am! Pls add urs to kip d fun alive."

which is d funnyest

"Akpos The Comedian WHO IS D FUNNIEST? 1)a man who pulled his slippers to enter taxi. 2)a man who stole d wall clock in a church buildi...

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pastor on Facebook

"Funny Akpos Jokes Akpos’ pastor added him on facebook and he innocently accepted. Two minutes later his message came in: Pastor: How are you? Akpos: I’m fine, my daddy. Pastor: May the building of heavenly favour collapse on your head Akpos: (no reply) Pastor: May the thunder of Blessing strike you and your family. Akpos: (no reply) Pastor: May God slash you with the axe of life Akpos: (no reply) Pastor: May God stab you with the knife of riches Akpos: (no reply) Pastor: May you be sentenced to life imprisonment in the eternal jail of success Akpos: (no reply) Pastor: May the World Trade Centre of happiness collapse on you and your family Akpos (no reply) Pastor: Are you there? Akpos: Yes, my daddy Pastor: You should be saying amen to claim the Blessings. Akpos: Ok, May the over-speeding trailer of blessings jam and crush you and your family. May the earthquake of happiness swallow you and your family members. May the sea of miracles drown you and your family members in Jesus’ name. Pastor: (no reply) Akpos: You should be saying ‘amen’ to claim these prayers Pastor: May thunder fire you! Idiot!"

pastor on Facebook

"Funny Akpos Jokes Akpos’ pastor added him on facebook and he innocently accepted. Two minutes later his message came in: Pastor: How...

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Black Nigeria

"Funny Akpos Jokes A pilot announced, “Ladies & Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggages must be thrown out.” A little later, the pilot says, “We’re still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin.” The plane continues it’s descent despite more things being thrown out. The pilot announced again, “Still going down, we must throw out some people” There’s a big gasp from the passengers! Then the pilot said, “But to make this fair, passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order. So A, any Africans on board?” No one moves. “B, any Blacks on board?” No one moves. “C, any Coloureds on board?” Still no one moves. “D, any Darkies?” Akpos, a little black Nigerian boy, asks his dad, “Dad, what are we?” His Dad replied, “Tonight son, we are Zombies”"

Black Nigeria

"Funny Akpos Jokes A pilot announced, “Ladies & Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggages must be thrown out.” ...

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Girls

"Akpos The Comedian AKPOS: Hi GIRL: What? AKPOS: How are you? GIRL: Do I know you? AKPOS: I am RICH. GIRL: OOh! My name is Mary but you can call me "BABY". Am 19 and I stay in Lavington. I love short, dark men especially like you, am glad to meet you. So when are we going out? AKPOS: No! No! No! Rich is my name. I meant short form of Richard. GIRL: Sorry I don't talk to strangers."

Girls

"Akpos The Comedian AKPOS: Hi GIRL: What? AKPOS: How are you? GIRL: Do I know you? AKPOS: I am RICH. GIRL: OOh! My name is Mary but...

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Jamb result

Papa Akpors: Akpors, I learnt yourJAMB result is out.Akpors: Daddy You remember John wey dey carry first for our whole school? he failedPapa Akpors: that’s terrible,what happened?Akpors: You also remember Paul wey dey teach me for house? He failed too.Papa Akpors: what’s causing the poor performance?Akpors: Daddy I don’t know, na soe be o,Even Kelvin who won the Cowbell competition failed too.Papa Akpors: so how was your own result?Akpors: You also remember Paul, our senior prefect? He failed.Papa Akpors: (Angrily) Boy, Tell me about your own result!!Akpors : (angrily) If all those people failed, wetin You expect for my own result?? I be witch?One word for Akpors this time around?

Jamb result

Papa Akpors: Akpors, I learnt yourJAMB result is out.Akpors: Daddy You remember John wey dey carry first for our whole school? he failedPapa...

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Agreement

"Akpos Jokes "A couple agreed that whenever they wanted to have sex they'd say "Let's make a phone call." One day the man sent his son to tell his mom while she was busy in the kitchen. SON: Mom, daddy said you should come so he can make a phone call. MOM: Go and tell your daddy that the network is busy. DAD: Then tell her that I will go elsewhere to make the call. MOM : Tell you daddy that if he does that, I will open a call center here!" ...

Agreement

"Akpos Jokes "A couple agreed that whenever they wanted to have sex they'd say "Let's make a phone call." One d...

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mum and dad

"Akpos The Comedian Akpors came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma; Where's mom and dad? She replied; They are up in bed. Akpors started to giggle, ate his breakfast and went out to play. He came back in for lunch and asked his grandma; Where's mom and dad? She replied; They are still up in bed. Akpors started to giggle, ate his lunch and went out to play. He came in for dinner and asked his grandma; Where's mom and dad? The grandmother replied; They are still up in bed. Akpors started laughing. The grandmother asked; Akpors what is going on? Why is it that every time I tell you they are still up in bed, you will start laughing! Akpors replied; Last night daddy came into my room and asked me for VASELINE and I gave him SUPER GLUE. One word for Akpors"

mum and dad

"Akpos The Comedian Akpors came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma; Where's mom and dad? She replied; They are up...

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Neighbor`s wife

<br /> "Akpos The Comedian<br /> Akpos has been admiring his<br /> neighbor's<br /> wife. The neighbor's wife always gives<br /> him this seductive smile whenever they<br /> greet each other. Akpos didn't know<br /> how to approach the lady to tell her of his<br /> desires because she's married. So,one<br /> day the lady herself approached<br /> Akpors alone in his apartment. AKPOS:<br /> Hi.<br /> LADY: Hi. AKPOS: Is everything alright?<br /> LADY: Yes. Just need little help from you<br /> (Smiling seductively).<br /> AKPOS: Wow! Anything for the angel.<br /> LADY: I...I...I...just don't know how to<br /> say this. I'll be so ashamed of myself if I ask<br /> and you say no.<br /> AKPOS: Oh my lady. you don't have to.<br /> I<br /> am ready to do anything for you.<br /> LADY: You know, it's been over 3 weeks since my husband travelled...<br /> AKPOS: Yes! Yes! Yes!<br /> LADY: And even when he's around,he<br /> has<br /> some... (pause for a while) he has some<br /> disabilities... AKPOS: Oh poor you... You must have<br /> been going through hell!<br /> LADY: I know you'll be stronger than<br /> him...<br /> AKPOS: Sure.<br /> LADY: Can you help me? AKPOS: Wow! Now? Sure, I'm ready if<br /> you are ready. LADY: Oh thanks<br /> goodness! that's why I<br /> came to you. Can you help me carry our<br /> deep freezer from our kitchen to the<br /> next street for repairs?<br /> <br /> Akpos nearly Cried!!!"<br />

Neighbor`s wife

"Akpos The Comedian Akpos has been admiring his neighbor's wife. The neighbor's wife always gives him this seductive smile...

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pastor

<br /> "Akpos The Comedian<br /> Pastor Akpors was praying for a man<br /> possessed with a demon.<br /> He says ........''In the name of Jesus say what<br /> you want from this man & come out of him.''<br /> The demon answers, ''I want him to win the<br /> America Lotto Draw worth $200billion<br /> tonight.<br /> The pastor lowered the microphone and<br /> whispered, ''In Jesus name, get out of him<br /> and enter into me..... I beg""<br />

pastor

"Akpos The Comedian Pastor Akpors was praying for a man possessed with a demon. He says ........''In the name of Jesus say ...

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Three Times A Day

DOCTOR: You look terribly exhausted, are you having meals 3 times a day as I advised? EKAETTE: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Three Times A Day

DOCTOR: You look terribly exhausted, are you having meals 3 times a day as I advised? EKAETTE: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

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Many Cakes

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates, and then quickly replies, "Ummm, they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again, she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the Mother says, "Yes. How did you know?" She explains, "Because I licked the icing off of the sofa."

Many Cakes

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl sa...

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I Knew It

A Nigerian lady who married a Chinese guy gave birth to a baby girl after nine months of marriage but after three months, the baby died. The mother of the Nigeria lady came to visit them. She started shouting, "I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!..." And so on and then a man that noticed her shouting, now called her outside and asked her what she knew. She replied, "I knew that China product does not last!"

I Knew It

A Nigerian lady who married a Chinese guy gave birth to a baby girl after nine months of marriage but after three months, the baby died. T...

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Dumb Farmer

A farmer caught a thief who had been stealing his yam and decided to drag him to the village square. Half way to the square, the thief said to the man, "Please, I have forgotten my slippers in the farm, can I go and get them?" The farmer obliged, "Hurry up! I would be waiting for you here." He waited endlessly and realised he had been fooled. He went home and told his elder brother what had happened. His elder brother brutally slapped him and said, "You are extremely dumb! You should have told the thief to wait while you go get his slippers for him!"

Dumb Farmer

A farmer caught a thief who had been stealing his yam and decided to drag him to the village square. Half way to the square, the thief said...

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Primary 5 Class

A teacher told a primary five class that 2x+2x =4. Akpos got up and said, "Its a lie!" The teacher angrily said, "I have been teaching for past five year now, so I know what I'm saying!" Akpos replied, "I have also been in this class for seven years now."

Primary 5 Class

A teacher told a primary five class that 2x+2x =4. Akpos got up and said, "Its a lie!" The teacher angrily said, "I have be...

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Crazy Nonsense

You got a babe's number and you used "chick" to store her name. Is her Mum a fowl? You bought suya for your woman, she ate everything while you just ate the onions. Are you a vegetarian? You are with your guy but you are on your phone talking to different guys every five minutes, yet you claim you are not cheating on your guy. My sister, are you an MTN customer care agent? You ask a girl for what she wants, she tells you money and you are angry. Were you expecting her to say wisdom and understanding? You took your girlfriend to the club everyday, then you married her and you want her to stop going to the club. Were you expecting a miracle? Your girlfriend dumps you for a rich man and you call her a GOLD DIGGER. but your sister did the same to another guy, yet you gave a testimony in Church saying, "Its the grace of God." You are an Hypocrite! Your babe got F9 parallel in WAEC, and she still asking you for Brazilian Hair of #150.000. Where does she want to fix the hair on? You have 8 tribal marks, stretch marks is scattered all ova your body yet you still want a tattoo. Are you a zebra? You are 6 feet tall, but you still wear 6 inches high heels shoe. Do you want to whisper to God? You are snapping in different type of cars, yet you expect your man to believe you are not cheating. Are you a mechanic? You gather different girls picture on your phone and yet you expect your girl to believe you are not cheating. Are you a digital photographer? He gave you an engagement ring for over five years, but he hasn't married you yet. My dear, are you the lord of the rings? You pay your babe's university school fees and yet you have not written JAMB. Are you part of the scholarship board? You are 18 years and your sugar daddy is 70 years old and you are calling him BABY. My sister, he should be your ANCESTOR! Your babe is licking ice cream and you're drinking pure water. Are you diabetic? You read all of this and yet you thumb it down? Are you Boko Haram? You can add other examples in the comment box below.

Crazy Nonsense

You got a babe's number and you used "chick" to store her name. Is her Mum a fowl? You bought suya for your woman, she ate ev...

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Bush Meat

A European pilot came to Nigeria and hired two local hunters to help him get some 'bush meat'. He dropped them in the forest in a chartered plane and returned a week later to pick them up. He looked at the 'bush meat' they had shot. "There is no way the plane can take all this bush meat. We will have to leave a third of it behind." "But we did it last year", the hunters insisted. "The pilot took the two of us and the same amount of bush meat in a plane just like yours." The pilot hesitated, but then decided to take their word for it. "Well, if you did it last year, I suppose we can do it again this year." The plane took off. As it approached a nearby mountain, it could not gain height. it crashed into the side of the mountain. The pilot and the hunters crawled out of the plane, dazed but glad to be alive. "I wonder where we are," the pilot asked. One of the hunters looked around, "Don't worry, I think we are just 15 metres east of where we crashed last year."

Bush Meat

A European pilot came to Nigeria and hired two local hunters to help him get some 'bush meat'. He dropped them in the forest in a ch...

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Captain Akpors

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Akpos welcoming you on board of Dana Airlines. We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery. This is flight 126 to Lagos. Landing in Lagos is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the south. If luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your village! Dana Airlines has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with great pleasure; I announce that since starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary Bongo tea and Okin biscuits! For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God! We regret to inform you, that today’s in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Arik Air, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window. There is no smoking allowed in this plane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark! Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seatbelt. For those of you who can’t find a seatbelt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat …and for those of you who can’t find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase." Enjoy flying with Dana Airlines

Captain Akpors

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Akpos welcoming you on board of Dana Airlines. We apologize for the four-day delay ...

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Angels On Guide

A man was driving his taxi from Port- Harcourt to Lagos. He had a sticker in the car that says, ''He will give his angels charge over me.'' By the time he got to Warri, he was doing 135km/h. The passengers cautioned him, but he simply responded by saying, ''Don't you see the sign? The angels are on guard.'' He approached Benin on a speed of 185km/h. By this time the passengers got very nervous and decided to get down. Everybody except the driver disembarked and he decided to continue the journey to Lagos alone. ''Mumu faithless people, they don't believe that angels are on guard, despite my sticker.'' he said, as he drove on. Nearing Ore, he was comfortably cruising at 215km/h, when he heard people in his car shouting, ''Abeg Oga! Drop us o! We are not going again!'' Puzzled, he looked around, ''Sebi I dropped all my passengers in Benin. So who are the people talking?'' ''Oga! Drop us o! We are the angels who are on guard. This is now a suicide mission! We are not guarding again ooo!!!' The driver stopped the car midway, and took to his heels.

Angels On Guide

A man was driving his taxi from Port- Harcourt to Lagos. He had a sticker in the car that says, ''He will give his angels charge ove...

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Job Recruitment

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new CEO for Microsoft Europe. Five thousand candidates assembled in a large room. One of the candidate is Akpos. Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asked those who do not know Java program to leave. Two thousand candidates leave the room. Akpos says to himself, "I do not know Java but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try." Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. Two thousand leave the room. Akpos says to himself, "I've never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What will be the worse thing that can happen?" So he stays. Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. Five hundred people leave the room. Akpos says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?" So he stays in the room. Lastly, Bill gates asked the candidates who do not speak German to leave. Four hundred and ninety-eight candidates leave the room. Akpos says to himself, "I do not speak one word of German but what do I have to lose? So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone. Bill Gates joined them and said, "Apparently, you are the only two candidates who speak German, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language." Calmly, Akpos turns to the other candidate and says, "Omo, na wa o!" The other candidate answers, "Omo, Wetin we go do o."

Job Recruitment

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new CEO for Microsoft Europe. Five thousand candidates assembled in a large room. One...

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Potential And Reality

An 8 year old son asks her dad, "What's the difference between 'Potential' and 'reality?'" Dad turns to wife, "Would you sleep with Barrack Obama for $1 million?'' Wife answers, "Of course, I will never waste that opportunity." Dad turns to daughter, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for $1 million?" Daughter answers, "Yes! He is my fantasy." Dad turns to elder son, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for $1million?" Eldest son answers, "Why not? Imagine what I would do with that money." Dad then turns to his youngest son, "You see son, 'Potentially' we are living with three millionaires BUT in 'reality' we are living with two prostitutes and one gay boy.

Potential And Reality

An 8 year old son asks her dad, "What's the difference between 'Potential' and 'reality?'" Dad turns to wife,...

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